On Vacation: Day 5 Fall 2023

Monday, October 16, 2023

Crime & Punishment Part 1, Chapter 5-Part 2, Chapter 1

Raskolnikov did not show up for our meeting today. He didn’t call or give any notice. Our scheduled time for meeting came and went. Five minutes passed, then ten. By twenty minutes, I was sure that he wasn’t going to make it. Based on our last meeting, it’s pretty clear that something is seriously wrong. Yet, at this point, I am not at all sure what exactly is going on. Raskolnikov is a master of hiding things, from himself and from others. I would pray for him, knowing that nothing is hidden from the Lord’s sight, and then simply get on with my day. The days are gone where I take this kind of thing personally. Life is far too complicated for me to take a failed meeting to heart.

I just hope he’s okay.

This is common to pastoral experience: the failed meeting. You have two choices, you can take it as rejection, or you can take it as an opportunity. I pray you take it as the latter. Of course, if you have read Crime & Punishment, you know that this goes beyond my experience as a pastor. That’s why I’m engaging with this theoretically. It’s purely fictional. Unlike works of fiction, the pastor is not privy to a narrator when he goes into his meetings. There are many times where he is simply left in the dark. It takes an excruciatingly long time to put pieces and patterns together.

Philippians 4:8-9.

So, Paul writes,

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me–practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”

Philippians 4:8-9

People sin. And, people sin grievously. People sin in shocking ways. But, that’s not the main thing on which a pastor should focus his attention.

Of course, sin affects us at conscious and cerebral levels, and sin affects us in embodied ways. For example, through a terrifying dream of a mutilated horse and other subconscious experiences and memories about his father, Raskolnikov finds himself in the following state, “His whole body was as if broken; his soul was dark and troubled. He leaned on his knees and rested his head in both hands” (59). Further, after he had committed murder, he reports, “It were as if a nail was being driven into his skull” (104), and “His former fear again came over him entirely, from head to foot” (106).

Raskolnikov is not okay. Neither are those around him. Sin has dreadfully ruptured his sense of well-being. His whole body, mind and soul is in crisis because of what he’s done. These are pastoral moments. Crisis moments. Information comes fast. Sleep is rare. Action and care are needed in greater proportion.

When people sin, a pastor’s meditation and habits of finding peace in God are inevitably exposed. Is the pastor prepared? Has he been focused and working? Is he organized? A good crisis will draw that out. To be sure, if someone within my pastoral care had committed murder, it would be a crisis, not merely a missed meeting. However, God’s word, especially through Philippians, provides salve for even the darkest of souls. Pastors should be constantly equipping themselves through meditation and confession for these kinds of moments.

Following Every Inclination for Confession.

There are multiple points already in which Raskolnikov has a desire to confess his sins. He says, “I’ll walk in [to the police station], fall on my knees and tell them everything…” (94). Failure to offer confession in fullness leads to a sort of paranoia and insanity. Raskolnikov thought, “…perhaps all his clothes were covered with blood, perhaps there were stains all over them, and he simply did not see, did not notice them, because his reason was failing, going to pieces…his mind darkening…” (91). When we fail to confess, we walk around feeling as though everyone has a right to be suspicious of us. We have blood on our hands, and we sense that others can see it, even while it remains invisible. This is the haunting reality of unconfessed sin. If you’re not haunted by unconfessed sin, you have to examine yourself to see whether or not you are filled with the Spirit of God. There is probably more to be said about the overactive conscience here as well, but for the sake of time, I’ll just say this: You and I need to be in the habit of confessing sin. Daily.

Preaching the Gospel Again.

Paul writes, “…practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” In context, Paul is helping us to see what it might be like to be free from anxiety. To actually be free from the pervasive, roaming thoughts of guilt that swirl around us in our quiet moments. Those thoughts that keep us from rejoicing in God. Who doesn’t have these thoughts? (Pastors have them too). Raskolnikov has a long way ahead, of course, but it is a Gospel way, if it is going to lead to life. It begins with the God of peace being “…with you.” Through Christ, God took on flesh, and suffered the penalty that our sins deserve. He sees both the road and the actions. He sees the thoughts and intentions of the heart as well as the completed, full-blown, concrete results.

Dostoyevsky brilliantly describes the mindlessness with which our sins overtake us. Our premonitions and plans are far more dangerous than our concrete actions. Embodied actions of human sinfulness are a mere shell of the human hearts’ ability to concoct and create ways to harm God, the self, and others. What we dream up and nurture in the stadium of our imagination become the chess pieces of our planned attacks in rebellion against God. We are naturally depraved.

So then, we are all Raskolnikov’s in our own way. (This should haunt us). We all have axes of words, thoughts, and deeds that call out for justice, not mercy. And yet, God is both just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Christ (Romans 3:26). Faith comes by hearing and hearing through the word of Christ (Romans 10:17). What keeps us from falling like Rasolnikov did? The Gospel on repeat. What would heal someone like Raskolnikov of his guilt and free him from sin? The Gospel on repeat.

See how the Gospel fits every descriptor in Philippians 4? It is a worthy meditation to keep us fighting sin at every level. And, it is the salve that both convicts the soul and brings comfort.

Aren’t You on Vacation?

For those who started reading this blog to feel the fuzzies about me being on vacation, I apologize. Today was an absolutely brilliant day. We ate Mexican food for breakfast. We went to the Santa Barbara Zoo. We ate Mexican Food for dinner and spent the end of the day at a beach in Montecito with old friends. Oh, the expansive richness of God’s grace! His kindness is infinite. This is some missions trip. One professor quipped in class once, “When you die, you go to live in Santa Barbara.” For those who have tasted the weather, the beach, the food, and the beauty of that area will nod. Something like Santa Barbara will be in heaven. God will be there, which is all the more reason to rejoice.

On Vacation: Day 4 Fall 2023

Sunday, October 15, 2023

Crime & Punishment: Part 1, Chapters 1-4

Raskolnikov entered my office late one Sunday evening. He sat down in a broken, angry posture and recounted a few troubling facts, observations, and stories about the week. He proceeded to unfold in rapid succession his interpretation of the events as well as his plans for action. He didn’t ask questions. The dynamic intricacies between his motives, relationships, and morals intersect in moments of intense meditation. Within the first five minutes, I was tempted to get lost in his troubles. They were so interesting and devastatingly real.

I felt like I was talking to a child who had just scraped his knees.

Slow down, Raskolnikov. Let’s read a section of Philippians and then pray, I might say. I would assert a new thought pattern, reminding him that God is here. I am here. He is not alone.

Paul writes to the Philippians,

7 But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. 8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3:7-11

I would read the passage slowly. Maybe a few times. Then, I would pray.

Problems Surface

Two major movements appear central for Raskolnikov: an extended conversation with Marmeladov and a troubling letter from his mother. His mind circled around these things, especially the letter. His mind was a mineshaft that only led downward, never upward. The narrator says, “He kept tormenting and taunting himself with these questions, even taking a certain delight in it” (45). This kind of self-saturation can only be remedied by a new set of gravitational pulls away from narcissism. Paul, on the other hand, models what it looks like to interpret one’s own story in light of God’s decisive work of salvation.

Raskolnikov is not thinking like a Christian. Maybe he is not a Christian. I don’t think he is a Christian.

The narrator further details, “None of the questions was new or sudden, however; they were all old, sore, long-standing. They had begun torturing him long ago and had worn out his heart. Long, long ago this present anguish had been born in him, had grown, accumulated, and ripened recently and become concentrated, taking the form of a horrible, wild, and fantastic question that tormented his heart and mind, irresistibly demanding resolution. And now his mother’s letter suddenly struck him like a thunderbolt. Clearly, he now had not to be anguished, not to suffer passively, by mere reasoning and unresolvable questions, but to do something without fail, at once, quickly. Decide at all costs to do at least something, or…renounce life all together” (45).

So, Raskolnikov seems suicidal, as well as atheistic.

No doubt, in my office, Raskolnikov would fly to these tormenting thoughts both for pleasure and for pain. Addictions are equal parts pleasure and pain, with cycles of ever deepening, diminishing returns. Rescuing someone from this kind of plight requires a firm type of holy indifference. Recovery may or may not be possible. I can’t change my own heart, let alone his.

Though Raskolnikov appears to have meaningful relationships, the author notes that, “It was remarkable that Raskolnikov had almost no friends while he was at university…” (51). Yet, he remained prideful, hard-working, and focused, though no one loved him (51). So, then, I would be very direct. Clear. I might, at times, risk being very non-pastoral. With friendless folks, honesty is kindness. There are so many pieces of feedback that they have missed or misplaced.

We often picture pastors as gentle, docile creatures that are always beckoning lost sheep back to the fold. Yet, if you read Old Testament prophets, or hear Jesus’ rebukes in the New Testament, pastors are called to exercise shepherding care in the fashion that most fits the moment. Sometimes that means that we call a spade a spade, not a diamond.

Raskolnikov needs to be drawn outside himself. He needs to know that others exist.

The Ocean Breeze

Midway through the session, I might share something like this.

I grew up in Ventura, Ca. I am by disposition introverted, introspective, and at times narcissistic. Yet, I am also intensely focused on eternity, meaning, and things that last. I grew up despising the superficial and trivial. This was the key to my motivation and my de-motivation. It wasn’t until college that I think I felt what people call, “intrinsic motivation.” That is, something inside of me that compelled me outward. I felt only those things that compelled me inward. So, inward I went. And yet, during college and early adulthood, I was rescued from many narcissistic tendencies by the cataclysmic decline of my family, my early marriage, and the sheer weight of having to form and fashion a life.

I learned to meditate in a new city.

Cities become catalysts for spiritual claustrophobia. They are centers of embodied meditation. By nature, they are bounded. Finite. So, you can get stuck in them.

I had to leave Ventura. God called me out of Ventura. However, Ventura has never fully left me. I long for a heavenly Ventura. But, I am no longer stuck in a Venturan meditation. I’ve added La Mirada, La Habra, Santee, and Boise to my thought life.

Some people don’t know where Ventura is. That’s okay.

Paul reminds us that the contents of our past are rubbish, no matter how polished or putrid. Reveling in the past only obscures the present. Of course, our stories must be told, but we must allow an ocean breeze to recover its beauty. This happens through meditation. Ventura is more beautiful to me now than it’s ever been because I left it behind.

Meditation

Raskolnikov, you are centering your whole life, your whole thought, your whole being on something other than God. So, your world is fixed and walled off. Of course, this leads to disordered narcissism. Your love and hate for others and the self are captured in embodied realities of friendless existence. No one is meant to be this alone. You are not as alone as you think. I would invite you to read Philippians 3:7-11 each day and express gratitude for any sign of even the most basic aspect of grace that you see. We’ll meet again tomorrow.

I would then close in prayer. God, help us to see and know a world outside of ourselves.

On Vacation: Day 3 Fall 2023

October 14, 2023

On Friendship

We left Las Vegas around 5am. Again, kids sleep that way. It’s simply psychologically more palatable to deprive yourself of sleep than the alternatives. (I can see the parents nodding). We’re on a missions trip, remember? Now, I am sitting in another dark room. This time in Ventura, Ca. Everyone is asleep. Except me. This is the only time that writing or reading can ever really happen.

Confession: I didn’t read today. There was no time. At least I’m writing 🙂 I was always better at writing than reading.

Crime & Punishment

There are days in pastoral ministry just like this one. If Raskolnikov had called me today in a minor panic, I would have asked to meet him another day. I would hope that he would understand. Today was a day for friendship and rest. I’m doing my best, Raskolnikov. Please meet me tomorrow.

Pastoral commitment necessitates helping people to be dependent on God, not on pastors. This offends almost everyone, including some pastors. It would, of course, offend Raskolnikov. However, I would encourage him to read Philippians 2 and pray, if he could.

For me, today was filled with conversation. Three hours in the car with my wife in the early moments of the morning. The kids slept. We saw a beautiful sun rise. We enjoyed the silence. It was an unexpected gift.

Then, we visited friends. The kids played. We talked. We spent about six hours with them. Pastors need friendship experiences like this. It’s what one of my kids said, “Dad, you looked like a kid in the front seat.” All slumped on the couches, I again demonstrated that I am as needy as my kids are. I need friends.

Paul writes of friendship in Philippians 2,

19 I hope in the Lord Jesus to send Timothy to you soon, so that I too may be cheered by news of you. 20 For I have no one like him, who will be genuinely concerned for your welfare. 21 For they all seek their own interests, not those of Jesus Christ. 22 But you know Timothy’s proven worth, how as a son with a father he has served with me in the gospel. 23 I hope therefore to send him just as soon as I see how it will go with me, 24 and I trust in the Lord that shortly I myself will come also.

Philippians 2:19-24

Paul had genuine friendships. Likewise, he made new friends along the way.

I would suggest that if Raskolnikov had no friends (he appears to have them!) that he find them in short order.

Pastors need friends just as much as their people. Pastors need days off where they don’t take calls. If they don’t model it, how can people follow? If pastors fail to create and maintain friendships, they can never send someone like Timothy to encourage others. Even as a missionary church planter, Paul was a good friend.

Raskolnikov, I am focusing on friendship today. Come back tomorrow.

On Vacation: Day 2 Fall 2023

October 13, 2023

A Few Thoughts on Scarcity

I was in Las Vegas yesterday: a world of decadence and a world of poverty.

After a sleepless night in Salt Lake City, Utah, we drove around 400 miles to a suburb of Las Vegas to stay with family. That first night I caught maybe two 90 minute stints of sleep before waking up to drive the earliest hours of the morning. My anxious mind was calculating the variety of ways that an intruder could enter. After the sun came up, I could see my irrationality.

The kids slept most of the early morning drive. I grew drowsy a few hours in, since I spent most of the night playing make-believe self-defense. My wife took the wheel. (Praise God for that). 30-45 minutes of sleep, when it’s scarce, is a rare jewel. One of my kids remarked, “Dad, you looked like a kid up there.” Slumped in the front seat, I exposed that I was just as needy as they are.

Scarcity makes children of all of us. We are dependent creatures. We have limits. We need rest. We need protection.

Scarcity & Reading

In the thick of seeing family, traveling, securing meals, planning the next day, reading and writing are scarce. I managed to listen to the first few chapters of Crime & Punishment on my way to pick up pizzas from a local pizza joint. Combining tasks is the only way.

Scarcity leaps off the pages of Raskolnikov’s world. I live in a world of opulence and overabundance. For example, our online order of pizza ended up being completed 20 minutes late. I was actually happy about it. I sat there for twenty extra minutes, completely justified in my waiting.

By myself.

It was a sort of gift of grace. Introverts can relate.

The server apologized repeatedly for the tardiness of the pizzas and ended up giving me two gift cards that were equivalent to the purchase price of the meal. We ate free.

I got back in the car and drove back to the place we were staying listening to Crime & Punishment.

Again, my opulence and Raskolnikov’s poverty were evident. One could hear the cries of impoverished children in the background of Raskolnikov’s world. Not mine.

If Raskolnikov were to talk into my office, I would be tired. I would feel hunger. I would sense that I had needs. Then, I would quickly realize that my sense of neediness pales in comparison to what I saw in front of me. I would sense that I couldn’t relate. I would feel a sort of inferiority. I haven’t faced what he has had to face.

Philippians Has Something to Say to Scarcity

Yet, I would not be impoverished in one aspect of my relationship with Raskolnikov: God’s very word. If Raskolnikov were to find his way into my office, I would begin with a simple word of prayer. Then, I would read the whole of Philippians 1, focusing specifically on this section:

21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. 22 If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. 23 I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. 24 But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, 26 so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again.

Philippians 1:21-26

This would be sufficient to get us quickly into the deeper places. I imagine that Raskolnikov would spend the rest of the session philosophizing, contemplating, and expositing the very text that I had just read. Yet, I think I would press him at one point: Paul, while he is impoverished, contemplating the end of this life, and longing to resolve the tension of his own existence, finds a temporal good for which to live. That is, he chooses to go on living because the Philippians are really there. They really need Paul.

There is something that keeps me parenting: my kids really exist. That may seem obvious. But, for someone like Raskolnikov, who is beset with poverty and frequently falls into deranged thoughts, that may not be so compelling or obvious.

Paul had dark days. He could relate to Raskolnikov. Some days he wanted to call it quits. He knew scarcity. Yet, he pressed on.

See you in our next session. I would want to keep it brief.

On Vacation: Day 1 Fall 2023

Introduction to This Series

I am writing in a dark room somewhere in Salt Lake City, Utah. Why? Because that’s what parents do, don’t they? At least, parents, who have the unrealistic inkling that they might be able to say something, or think something, or experience something on vacation with three kids. Forgive the interruptions.

The purpose of this series is to capture the insights, realism, and just maybe, the sublimity of so-called ‘vacation.’ Many of us need to be more honest about what vacation is. Vacation is a full-scale entry into the wildness of family life. At this stage, especially when kids are little, it’s a lot more like leading a missions trip than a foray into freedom. It’s ironic that I am so able to lead fellow Elders, a Staff Team, and multiple levels of management, and yet, getting a three year old to sleep on vacation. That takes real leadership.

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not complaining. I have the most epic parenting battle partner that a man could ask for. My kids are an absolute delight. I love that we have this time together! I am thankful to God for a set of Elders and a church that values these kinds of investments.

It’s me. I’m the problem.

Because I struggle with sin, and I live in a sin-sick world, vacation opens me up to a whole host of misplaced expectations, unrealistic views of the world, and plummeting disappointments.

A Pastoral Reading of Crime & Punishment

So, each day I am going to seek to recover something of the beauty, loveliness, and goodness of God on vacation. Surprisingly, I am going to attempt to do this by reading Crime & Punishment by Dostoyevsky and seeking to pastorally apply the book of Philippians to the very broken situation that the book describes.

I am not literary. That’s why this is a blog. It’s a a sort of pastoral experiment. Don’t expect prowess. Expect peril.

You might find some surprises as you read. I’m sure I will. Interwoven throughout this series, you will find reflections on the heart of sin, ministry, parenting, the Gospel, and all sorts of other whimsical treats that God has planned over the next few weeks.

Why am I doing this? Well, I am a pastor. As Harold Seinkbeil writes in his book, The Care of Souls, I am a shepherd. A sheep dog. I sort of can’t help it. I’m a lot more like my black lab, Australian shepherd mix that stalks our hallways than I’d like to admit. I have to shepherd something or someone. Otherwise, I’ll end up spiritually pacing.

So, rather than oppress my family or my own soul with my pastor hat, I’ve decided to pastor theoretically. I am going to imagine that I have the opportunity to pastor Crime & Punishment’s main character: Raskolnikov. He walks into my proverbial office, and I open the book of Philippians with him for a 12-15 day intensive. Sprinkled in along the way you’ll also find short stories and vignettes about this crazy thing called vacation. I hope you enjoy the ride with me! I think it’ll be fun.

On Boundaries

Boundaries in ministry are almost an impossibility. I said almost an impossibility. Setting up a boundary takes an enormous amount of energy. I have to plan, execute, stay on track, avoid procrastinating, among other things. Not only that, but I have to do that in the midst of these things called “relationships.” You know, those really concrete, stable, and predictable things that we humans excel so well at creating and maintaining? Further, my job entails eternal consequences. God is surely involved. Yet, my God complex is involved too. That is, my idolatrous, small, painstakingly small, ideas about God, corrupt my approach to caring for others. But, their God complexes are involved also. Theirs are worse than mine. (Joking; see 1 Timothy 1:15-17).

It’s a good thing that God gave us his word! God’s word says in Psalm 16 that lines can actually fall in pleasant places. My hope is to discover where those lines should be in my own life. To do this theoretically before I do it practically.

So, as I forage into the fields of Crime & Punishment and Philippians, the goal is to figure out how to not get sucked in so fast and so far into, what I’ll call, a heart of darkness. Rather, my goal is to shine the light of Philippians into Raskolnikov‘s experience. I pray I won’t be merely superficial in the attempt.

This sounds like the kind of thing a pastor would do on vacation. Enjoy!

Preparing for Baptism August 28, 2022

The following is a script that I will use to help us a Church prepare for Baptism! It’s meant to be read and reflected on as a preparation to see other people pursue baptism. We can so easily take this for granted! But, like a good painting, or a beautiful song that displays reality truly, we catch a vision of true reality through the event.

That is, the visual reenactment of what has already happened to others spiritually.

Baptism Service Summer 2022!

Good evening! As we do on Sunday morning, we want to welcome you with the love of Christ. Thank you to friends, family, and siblings for coming this evening!

Our doctrinal statement reads:

Water baptism, intended for true believers who have been saved by the work of Christ, is an act of obedience and a visual demonstration of a person’s union with Christ in the likeness of His death and resurrection. It signifies that the power of sin is broken, vividly depicting a believer’s newness of life. Key Texts: Mt 28:19- 20; Acts 2:41; 8:34-39; Rom 6:3-11. 

Baptism is significant because it puts the Gospel on display for us. So, we are going to pray and prepare our hearts for this event. 

Prayer: 

Heavenly Father, we come before you in the righteousness of Christ. Because of what God has done, we can stand before you holy, blameless, and pure in your sight through faith. So, we pray that as we witness others going through the waters of baptism that you would enliven our hearts to trust you more deeply and to know you more fully.

For those who are being baptized, we ask that you would powerfully encourage each of them in their union with Christ. You know them completely, and you have called them to yourself from all eternity. We ask that you would fulfill your purposes for each of them through this visible sign of what you have already done in their hearts by giving them faith. We pray these things in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen. 

A Brief Exposition on Baptism: 

Briefly, before those who are being baptized enter the water, we want to remind ourselves of what we are witnessing. Although unity with Christ is an unseen reality through the Holy Spirit by faith, this reality becomes visible through baptism. We get to see the internal and eternal realities of unity with Christ through this act. 

Paul describes this unity in Romans 6: 

3 Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? 4 We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life.

5 For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we shall certainly be united with him in a resurrection like his. 6 We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin. 7 For one who has died has been set free from sin. 8 Now if we have died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. 9 We know that Christ, being raised from the dead, will never die again; death no longer has dominion over him. 10 For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. 11 So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.

This is the spiritual reality: union with Christ by the Spirit. Those who are being baptized have been baptized into the death of Christ. And, they will, therefore, be raised in a resurrection “like his.” 

Although those who are being baptized will continue to struggle with sin in this life, the decisive victory over sin has been completed in Jesus Christ at the cross. Death, therefore, no longer has any power over them. They are free from the penalty of sin, and progressively freed from the power of sin, one day to be freed completely from the presence of sin. Baptism symbolizes and pictures all of this in a single moment. 

So, for those of us who are watching, pay close attention to what you are seeing. Matthew 28:18-20 says, 

18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

We are going to watch about a dozen disciples of Christ show us what it looks like to live “in Christ.” For those of us who have been baptized, this will be a sweet reminder of our own baptism. For those who have not, this pictures for you what it looks like to live in Christ. To be totally dependent on Jesus’ good works and not our own. To be totally dependent on the cross for salvation, and not ourselves. To realize that on our own, “[We] are dead in our trespasses and sins” (Eph. 2). 

4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— 6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus (Eph. 2:4-7). 

Today, we are going to get dozen glimpses into that eternal, immeasurable richness of God’s kindness. Each person will briefly share their testimony before being baptized, then they will be prayed for by someone spiritually significant for them, and then we will close when we’re done with a few more songs. 

A Brief Reflection on Psalm 63:1-4

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
    my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
    as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
2 So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
    beholding your power and glory.
3 Because your steadfast love is better than life,
    my lips will praise you.
4 So I will bless you as long as I live;
    in your name I will lift up my hands.

How is your soul? Can you imagine asking David this, during one of his wilderness wanderings? Would you be ready for what you might hear?

Christians believe that a human person is a psychosomatic unity. That is, the human body and the human soul are inextricably linked. So, when the Psalmist relates his soul condition as one of “thirst” or “fainting”, he is using concrete imagery to express something very real, and yet, immaterial. He is engaging the invisible aspect of his human self and relating its condition.

So, how is your soul? Can you imagine David asking you this question? Do you think he’d be ready to hear what you might say?

Psalm 63:1-4 asks you to consider the condition of your soul in a primarily theocentric way. That is, God is the central object to which the soul is seeking to attach. So, it follows that you cannot accurately imagine or assess the condition of your soul in isolation from God. Verse 1 says, “O God, you are my God…” (Psalm 63:1). Assessing the soul’s condition without direct connection to the covenant promises of God is hazardous. To look in the mirror without first looking upward toward God in his covenant faithfulness is unwise.

The Psalmist, after looking at these promises, and reminding himself that he stands in covenantal community with the living God, looks at the state of his own soul, and he recognizes that he is parched. Dry. Desert-like. Again, we find that the soul resides in psychosomatic unity: David, we find in the pre-text, was in the wilderness of Judah as he was constructing this Psalm.

How would your soul be if you were thrust out into the wilderness?

At this point, David remembers the times that he had in the sanctuary, looking at the power and glory of God. He reminds himself with undeniable clarity that God’s love is unbreakable, and that God is completely worthy of praise. Even if he dies in the wilderness, the steadfast love of the Lord is enough for him.

So, how is your soul? Is God enough for you? Are you finding him in the wilderness?

A Reflection on Being Second Born

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

I was born second of four boys. For most of my life, I have been attempting both to reconcile this fact in my own mind and explain it to others. There is a specific kind of misunderstanding particular to the firstborn and second-born relationship that has been haunting me. There is a deep neediness and insecurity within second borns, and there is, I think, a way in which the Gospel can be specifically applied that helps to quell that insecurity. Second borns, if functioning in healthy relationships, can be a great blessing. But, when they fall into despair, can be a great difficulty.

So, this brief rough draft reflection is aimed at explaining to the firstborn what it is like to be second. Of course, everyone’s family relationships are distinct. The age gap between the first and second matters. Gender matters. Parental oversight matters. But, allow me for a minute just to completely overgeneralize my experience with hopes of providing some caricatured insight.

Cain & Abel

What does it feel like to be second-born? Well, it feels like being born into Cain’s situation. In Genesis 4 the firstborn, Cain, simply gets treated like a second born. Cain’s explosive anger, murderous intent, depression, insecurity, comparison, and compulsive planning of revenge are all common experiences for those born second. Competition is a native language. Affection is limited, so the second born scraps twice as hard to earn half the keep. Cain, of course, is acting in his sinfulness, rather than faith. He’s deeply unhealthy. When a second born acts or thinks in any of these ways, he or she is not acting in righteousness or as a healthy, secure individual. That goes without saying. He’s acting out of his natural man.

However, the second born has never had the luxury of the total attention of his parents. Or, of people in general. He is nearly always evaluated by comparison with other performers and especially the firstborn. The whole family relationship is constructed in such a way that the second born receives a divided inheritance. So, competition is not a chosen vice, it’s all there is for the second born. It’s the only way he can assert himself in the world.

He knows nothing else. In this family reversal, it appears to Cain that God is attending solely to Abel, the second born, and because of this, he grows angry and depressed. The surprising thing about this is that this is the experience of all second borns by default. They are born into Cain’s situation by virtue of being born second. It’s uphill both ways.

This might seem overly dramatic. But, when Cain is treated as a second born, he acts like one. When Cain is supplanted by his younger brother, he acts like an insecure younger brother. Here’s the point: if our older brothers were born second, they would act like us. They would understand our insecurity. They would resonate.

Jesus, Our Older Brother.

So, how can they? The Gospel says that birth order matters, but it is reframed outside of biological kinship and in sole relationship to the resurrection. Colossians 1:15 says, “He[Jesus] is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation.” Now, this is referring to Jesus’ resurrection (see Colossians 1:18), not that Jesus was created like we were, but it still holds true that Jesus is considered to be our older brother in the New Testament (Hebrews 2). He is our older, resurrected brother in a way that our biological older brothers never could be.

According to the Gospel, Christians are all second borns to Jesus, who is first. What does this mean? It means that Jesus won for us the full attention of the Father. This is uniquely meaningful to second borns. When God pours out his pleasure on Abel, he is showing all of us what it feels like to have Jesus as our older brother. Biological birth order becomes of secondary importance. When a second born is acting in faith and feels healthy, he or she is assured of the total devotion of his or her parents. There is no longer a comparative equation.

In other words, when a second born is healthy, he is like Abel, who feels the pleasure of God. When a second born is unhealthy, he is like Cain, who feels wrongly unseated from his position of primacy. Second borns feel this by default.

On the other hand, when a first born is healthy, he is and must be unseated from his position of primacy by Jesus, and he becomes like a second born. When he is unhealthy, he is clinging to this position of primacy and feels alienated by taking the position of the second born.

Conclusion:

So, as we relate to one another, both first borns and second borns must seek to unlearn their default settings. We can, I think, come to an understanding of one another through the light of the Gospel, which reframes our biological relationships and familial habits in the light of God’s activity. First borns can learn quite a bit about overcoming insecurity from their younger brothers, but it must be taken seriously and paid close attention. On the other hand, second borns can learn quite a bit about being singularly loved, admired, and secure from first borns.

A Few Reflections on the Lord’s Day

January 16, 2022

Usually, my weekly routine includes the Sunday gathering of God’s people for worship. Because of sickness, my whole family will again be Live streaming from home. During this time away (and there have been many since 2020), I am feeling particularly drawn to sharing some of this experience with you. I realize that opening up in this way is fraught with problems today. To be clear, this post is mainly intended for my local church and other believers or pastors, who might resonate with these experiences.

First, the Psalms. Over the past few weeks, I have been sitting with numerous people, who are experiencing a profound sense of loss during this season. This compounded grief, when accompanied by isolation, sickness, and unwanted solitude, has left me in a state of insomnia. I can’t sleep. This is not usually a problem for me. I must admit my problem is not particularly acute given that I have only suffered through two nights of tossing. For those who really suffer insomnia, it might seem laughable. But, all the Pastor’s sufferings might seem laughable, until you become one.

Yet, there is a unique suffering that accompanies hearing, watching, seeing, and caring about sufferers, especially while they are suffering in brand new ways. The past few years have worn people down, rather than built them up. To be honest, there have been many moments where I have not known what to say. Or, whether or not I should say anything. Do I have anything to say?

Given the small amount that I have suffered, I know one of the worst feelings after sharing your suffering is for someone to try to help you. The gesture of help exposes a blindness to the complexity of the agony. The gesture is a kindness, but it must be turned down.

The Psalms meet us in our deepest need and train us to care for others in their suffering by giving us permission to admit that we are drowning too. “O LORD, how many are my foes! Many are rising against me; many are saying of my soul, ‘There is no salvation for him in God.'” (Psalm 3:1).

Second, the Psalms. On the other hand, the Psalms gives us permission to cling to a robust theology of God. “But the Lord sits enthroned forever; he has established his throne for justice, and he judges the world with righteousness; he judges the peoples with uprightness” (Psalm 9:7), and “…he does not forget the cry of the afflicted” (Psalm 9:12). God simultaneously stays emotionally connected to the brokenness of his world, and he resolutely completes his action lists exactly according to his decree.

Over the past few years, I have seen people express a looser grip on the Scriptures because of their experiences of suffering. They’ve grown quizzical. They question their presuppositions and underlying beliefs with some new tool, and it exposes unseen flaws. They begin to believe God is absent. I have been deeply tempted by this same kind of unbelief.

The Psalms gives us permission to develop a more robust view of God in spite of our suffering. “But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me” (Psalm 13:5-6).

Third, the Psalms. In closing, I want to simply invite you to read and experience the Psalms again. My hope is that as you do, that our local church, and other churches will become more fortified by the grace of God as He comes to us through the word of God.

As I listened to the Psalmist pray (I am indebted to Ryan Patterson for prompting this thought), I became aware that if Jesus were to pray for my situation, this is the kind of language that he would use on my behalf. His voice was dripping with beauty, goodness, and truth as he addressed my situation to the one enthroned in heaven. That voice is enough to hold me, even in suffering. Because he suffered, and because he saves.

The Psalmist gets it. He knows. He sees. And, he hears. We would do well in this season of church life to sit more closely with the Spirit of God in the Psalms.